Sex
Quotes
of the Rich & Famous . . .
Pithy
remarks on the foibles and follies of the human condition from the
mouths of such icons
as Gloria Steinem, Tim Conway, Jayne Mansfield, Groucho Marx, Jay
Leno, Lucille Ball, Shelly Winters,
Errol Flynn, Woody Allen, Albert Einstein, Mark Twain, Abraham
Lincoln, Leona Helmsley,
Zsa Zsa Gabor, Victor Hugo, Norman Mailer, Mae West, Joe Louis,
Madonna, Elizabeth Taylor,
Joan Rivers, Anais Nin, and hundreds of others!
(From past issues of the Gazette)
What
d'ya think? It all sounds like a bunch of gobblety-goop to
me!
From your parents you learn love and how to put one foot before the other. But when books are opened, you discover that you have wings.
- Helen Hayes
If you want to please the critics, don't play too loud, too soft, too fast, too slow.
- Arturo Toscanini
He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.
- George Elliot
Support wildlife. Throw a party.
- Zeno's Candi Nuzzo
Egotism - usually just a case of mistaken nonentity.
- Barbara Stanwyck
I wish I had gotten as much in bed as I got in the newspapers.
-Linda Ronstadt
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked me for my autograph.
- Shirley Temple
It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.
- Helen Rowland
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
- Ingrid Bergman
Oppressed people are frequently very oppressive when first liberated. They know but two positions: Somebody's foot on their neck or their foot on somebody's neck.
- Florence Kennedy
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
- Gloria Steinem
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
A woman
is a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man
as long as he can.
- Moms Mabley
Most cats, when they are out want to be in, and visa versa, and often simul-taneously.
- Louis J. Camuti, D.V.M.
The great charm of cats is their rampant egotism, their devil-may-care attitude toward responsibility, their disinclination to earn an honest dollar.
- Robertson Davies
No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove their fur from your couch.
- Leo Dworken
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
- Franklin P. Jones
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
- Ross Wolfe
If you're a police dog, where's your badge?
- James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd crazy with this question.
I've always found paranoia a perfectly defensible position.
- Pat Conroy
The service we render to others is really the rent we pay for our room on this earth.
- W. Grenfell
Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status.
- L. Peters
The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was: "Are you sure you're not a cop?"
- Larry Brown
Old age to me is always fifteen years older than I am.
- B. Baruch
If tombstones told the truth, everybody would want to be buried at sea.
- John Raper
I used to be Snow white . . . but I drifted.
- Mae West
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
- Bob Burlingame
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
- Gloria Leonard
We wanted to be the Walt Disney of porn.
- Andy Warhol
This is not an ordinary pregnancy..
-Antonio Periquet, on a herma-
phrodite, though legally a male,
about to have a baby.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln
A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch.
- James Beard
A heavy purse makes a light heart.
- English proverb
Her sex power . . . hid in her eyes like a Sicilian bandit.
- Saul Bellow
I've been through it all, baby. I'm Mother Courage.
- Elizabeth Taylor
Why does the blind man's wife paint herself?
- Benjamin Franklin
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
- Short North Sal
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
- Tim Middleditch
Have an awesome day, and know that someone thought about you today.
- Anonymous
My mother-in-law had a pain below her left breast. Turned out to be a bad knee.
- Phyllis Diller
What we need are new clichés.
- Samuel Goldwyn
Lord, give me patience . . . and hurry!
- G. R. Ragsdale
This life is a test. It is just a test. If it were a real life, you would receive instructions on where to go and what to do.
- Greg at the S. N. Tavern
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
- Woody Allen
Sexual congress in a Mailer novel is always a matter of strenuous endeavor, rather like mountain climbing.
- Kate millet
Kate Millet is an imploding beanbag of poisonous self-pity.
- Calille Paglia
Camille Paglia is a crassly egocentric, raving twit.
- Molly Ivans
Nobody loves me like my mother, and she could be jivin' too.
- B. B. King
Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.
- Helen Rowland
Your spouse should be just attractive enough to barely turn you on. Anything more is trouble.
- Albert Brooks
Marriage starts with passion and ends with laundry.
- Michel J. Hogan
I've never been married but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think there's something wrong with me.
- Elayne Baxter
Marriage is a souvenir of love.
- Helen Rowland
My wife wanted to call our daughter Sue, but I felt that in our family that is usually a verb.
- Dennis Wolfburg
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
- Dick Cavett
No man is responsible for his father. That was entirely his mother's affair.
- Margaret Turnbull
I'm not really bald. I'm a hair donor.
- Clifford Kuhn
The way to fight a woman is with your hat - grab it and run.
- John Barrymore
Roosters crow, hens deliver.
- Jenny at B. Hampton's
She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has such pretty teeth.
- Ben Franklin
Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?
- Phyllis Diller
Revenge is sweet and not fattening.
- Alfred Hitchcock
One may smile, and smile, and still be a villain.
- Hamlet
'Tis easy enough to be pleasant,
When life flows along like a song,
But the man worthwhile is the one
who will smile
When everything goes dead wrong.
- Ella Wilcox
They should put expiration dates on clothes so we would know when they go out of style.
- Gary Shandling
Toys are made in heaven; batteries are made in hell.
- Tom Robbins
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
- Plato
Plato was a bore.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.
- Leo Tolstoy
Help! I'm being held prisoner by my heredity and environment!
- Dennis Allen
Question: Why do bald men have holes in their pockets? Answer: So they can run their fingers through their hair.
- As told to Zeno's Scott
Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself.
- Potter Stewart
I've always found paranoia a perfectly defensible position.
- Pat Conroy
The service we render to others is really the rent we pay for our room on this earth.
- W. Grenfell
Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status.
- L. Peters
The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was: "Are you sure you're not a cop?"
- Larry Brown
Old age to me is always fifteen years older than I am.
- B. Baruch
If tombstones told the truth, everybody would want to be buried at sea.
- John Raper
I used to be Snow white . . . but I drifted.
- Mae West
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
- Bob Burlingame
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
- Gloria Leonard
We wanted to be the Walt Disney of porn.
- Andy Warhol
This is not an ordinary pregnancy..
-Antonio Periquet, on a herma-
phrodite, though legally a male,
about to have a baby.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln
A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch.
- James Beard
A heavy purse makes a light heart.
- English proverb
Her sex power . . . hid in her eyes like a Sicilian bandit.
- Saul Bellow
I've been through it all, baby. I'm Mother Courage.
- Elizabeth Taylor
Why does the blind man's wife paint herself?
- Benjamin Franklin
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
- Short North Sal
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
- Tim Middleditch
Have an awesome day, and know that someone thought about you today.
- Anonymous
Men don't realize how much a woman can disregard so-called physical attraction, how they fall for homely, ugly, older men sometimes. I think these bastards get the most beautiful women.
- Henry Miller
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
- Soren Kierkegaard
I would have made a good Pope.
- Richard Nixon
Be grateful for luck. Pay the thunder no mind &endash; listen to the birds. And don't hate nobody.
- Eubie Blake
Never eat anything at one sitting that you can't lift.
- Miss Piggy
Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?
- Frank Scully
It's better to be looked over . . . than overlooked.
- Mae West
Sex is like air . . . not important until you're not getting any.
- Debbie Reynolds
During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.
- Richard Lewis
I like to wake up each morning feeling a new man.
- Jean Harlow
Blondes have the hottest kisses. Red-heads are fair-to-middling torrid, and brunettes are the frigidest of all. It's something to do with hormones, no doubt.
- Ronald Reagan
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
- Walt Disney
The reproduction of mankind is a great marvel and mystery. Had God consulted me in the matter, I should have advised him to continue the generation of the species by fashioning them of clay.
- Martin Luther
Being a newspaper columnist is like being married to a nymphomaniac. It's great for the first two weeks.
- Lewis Grizzard
I don't like money, but it quiets my nerves.
- Joe Louis
Bach in an hour. Offenbach sooner.
- Music Store Sign
In Ireland, a writer is looked upon as a failed conversationalist.
- Short North Joe
They want me on all the television shows now because I did so well on "Celebrity Assholes."
- Steve Martin
When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.
- Steven Wright
May you have warmth in your igloo, oil in your lamp, and peace in your heart.
- Eskimo Blessing
When you're bored with yourself, marry and be bored with someone else.
- David Pryce Jones
I have the eyes of a dead pig.
- Marlon Brando
I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there.
- Herb Caen
They certainly give strange names to diseases.
- Plato (427 - 347)
Plato was a bore.
- Nietzsche
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
- Proverb
Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.
- Ronert Byrne
Only the little people pay taxes.
- Leona Helmsley
A man is more than a dildo.
- Germaine Greer
Just because you like pussy doesn't mean you have to be one.
- Benjamin Franklin
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
- Jack Leonard
We've got a cat called Ben Hur. We called it Ben until it had kittens.
- Sally Poplin
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
- Joseph Wood Krutch
Cats are absolute individuals, with their own ideas about everything, including the people they own.
- John Dingman
I'm a foreplay junkie.
- Richard Dreyfuss
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Lewis Mumford
The only normal people are the ones you don't know.
- - Joe Ancis
Even overweight cats know the cardinal rule: when fat, arrange yourself in slim poses.
- John Weitz
The two hardest things to handle in life are failure and success.
- Short North Joe
I think the American people want a solemn ass for President. And I think I'll go along with them.
- Calvin Coolidge
I think of myself as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
- Phyllis Diller
Man has his will &endash; but woman has her way.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
We have all passed a lot of water since then.
- Sam Goldwyn
Roosters crow, hens deliver.
-Feminist slogan
A great portion of semen cometh from the brain.
- Ambroise Pare,
(1517 &endash; 1590)
French surgeon
I have looked on a lot of women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. God recognizes I will do this and forgives me.
- Jimmy Carter
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain
It's better to keep one's mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and resolve all doubt.
- Abraham Lincoln
One guy says to the other, "Do you and your wife have mutual climax?" The other guy says, "I think we have Prudential."
- Milton Berle
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
- Woody Allen
Everybody has sex now. When I was a kid only women had sex and you had to get it from them.
- Tony Stone
My wife insists on turning off the lights before we make love. That doesn't bother me. It's the hiding that seems so cruel.
- Jonathan Katz
My neighbor was crying because her husband had left her for the tenth time. I consoled her, "Don't be unhappy, he'll be back." "Not this time," she sobbed. "He took his golf clubs."
- Joey Adams
Dogs remember faces, cats remember places.
- English Proverb
A dog is prose, a cat is a poem.
- Jean Burden
If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.
- Rita Mae Brown
Awakening one morning after the orgy, the God of War was stretching sleepily when he noticed a lovely Valkyrie standing in the doorway. "Good morning," he said, "I'm Thor."
She replied, "You're thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith."
- Scott
Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.
- Sophia Loren
Macho does not prove mucho.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
We go into this trophy shop because my basketball team won second place. There are trophies everywhere, shelves and shelves of trophies. My dad looks around and says, "This guy was really good!"
- Fred Wolfe
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
- Alex Levine
I went on a diet, then I had to go on another diet at the same time. One diet wasn't giving me enough food.
- Barry Marter
The dentist told me I grind my teeth at night, so now before I go to sleep I fill my mouth with hot water and coffee beans and set my alarm for 7:30.
- Jeff Marder
You might be a redneck if you've been too drunk to fish.
- Jeff Foxworthy
Strong women leave big hickies.
- Madonna
We practice safe sex. We gave up the chandelier a long time ago.
- Kathy Lee Gifford
The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.
- Phyllis Diller
Getting married and getting old are the two things that save everybody's ass.
- Cher
Nothing risqué, nothing gained.
- Alexander Woolcott
May you have warmth in your igloo, oil in your lamp, and peace in your heart.
- Eskimo blessing
Complete truthfulness is one of the rarest of virtues. Even those who regard themselves as absolutely truthful are daily guilty of over-statements and under-statements. Exaggeration is almost universal.
- Herbert Spencer
Why are our days numbered and not lettered?
-Woody Allen
As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
- Dick Cavett
I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.
- Dudley Moore
Male sexual response is far brisker and more automatic than that of the female: it is triggered easily by things, like putting a quarter in a vending machine.
- Alex Comfort
Sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got, and fifty percent what people think you've got.
- Sophia Loren
I went on a diet, but then I had to go on another diet at the same time. One diet wasn't giving me enough food.
- Barry Marter
How about cow dung at five paces?
- Abraham Lincoln when told
to choose his weapon for a duel.
Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark, or the man afraid of the light?
- M. Freehill
If you respect your job's importance, it will probably return the favor.
- J. Turner
Somebody put pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
- W. C. Fields
I'm kinda depressed right now cuz we had to put grandpaps in a rest home. Well, not actually - we didn't have the money. So we drove down the turnpike and put him in a rest area.
- Rich Vos
I come from a typical American family. You know, me, my mother, her third husband, his daughter from a second marriage, my stepsister, her illegitimate son.
- Carol Henry
My husband and I had a really nice wedding. We had a mixed marriage. I'm Jewish and he ain't. For my family, he crushed a beer can under his foot. For his family, I pretended I was a virgin.
- Roseanne
I looked up "politics" in the dictionary and it's actually a combination of two words: "poli" which means many and "tics" which means bloodsuckers.
- Jay Leno
On high school reunions: Don't go if you've never gone. You get that letter in the mail. You feel like you only have six months to make something of yourself.
- Drew Carey
I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm. I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cats.
- Lizz Winstead
In a new sex survey they found eight percent of people had sex four or more times a week. Now here's the interesting part. That number drops to two percent when you add the phrase, "With partner."
- David Letterman
On sex in the kitchen: Nothing like a little stove top stuffing.
- Tony Edwards
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
- Linda Ellerbee
To enter life by way of the vagina is as good a way as any.
- Henry Miller
I'd like to live like a poor man with lots of money.
- Pablo Picasso
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
- Bumper sticker
Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not yet been able to answer . . . the great question that has never been answered: What does a woman want?
- Sigmund Freud
Baseball is 90 percent mental: the other half is physical.
- Yogi Berra
I quit coaching because of illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of me.
- John Ralston
I finally found my wife's G spot. A neighbor lady had it.
- Jim Sherbert
Love is like an hourglass with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard
Nothing risqué, nothing gained.
-Alexander Woollcott
My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly a difference.
- Harry S Truman
How do you keep the sex fresh? Put it in Tupperware.
- Gary Shandling
I went to the gynecologist. She says, "Gosh, you're clean. You are so clean. How do you stay so clean?" I said, "It's easy. I have a woman come in twice a week."
- Karen Ripley
She saw a sign saying "Wet Floor." So she did.
- Joan Rivers
My parents put a live teddy bear in my crib.
- Woody Allen
I went to a bookstore the other day. I asked a woman behind the counter where the self-help books were. She said, "If I told you that would defeat the whole purpose."
- Brian Kiley
Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.
- Paula Poundstone
Environmentalists want forests to stay so that they can grow pot without detection.
- Rush Limbaugh
I'm doing what I can to help the environment. I started a compost pile. It's in the back seat of my car.
- Janine DiTullio
I was a poster child - for birth control.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets.
- Ogden Nash
Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Anonymous
Boys don't make passes at female smart-asses.
- Lettie Cottin Pogrebin
Maybe if I hadn't been so fastidious, I might have changed history. But, oh, that body odor of his.
- Lina Basquette on Adolf
Hitler's attempt to seduce her
You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.
- Dolly Parton
It's better to be looked over than overlooked.
- Mae West
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
- Lily Tomlin
The most difficult year of marriage is the one you're in.
- Franklin P. Jones
When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, wretched, bored, dejected; only here's the rub, my darling dear, I feel the same when you're near.
- Samuel Hoffenstein
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
- Lily Tomlin
Wherever they burn books they will also, in the end, burn human beings.
- Heinrich Heine
Governments are suspicious of literature because it is a force that eludes them.
- Émile Zola
Men want women they can turn on and off like a light switch.
- Ian Fleming
Women have the right to work as long as they have dinner ready when you get home.
- John Wayne
It's an extra dividend when you like the girl you're in love with.
- Clark Gable
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.
- Rita Rudner
I have never loved anyone for love's sake, except perhaps, Josephine - a little.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life.
- Lord Byron
Physically, it was like nothing. I just said, "Huh, is it over?" The whole thing lasted about a minute and a half, including buying the dress.
- Joan Rivers
What turns me on? Tuesday Weld in a dirty slip drinking beer.
- Alice Cooper
When turkeys mate, they think of swans.
- Johnny Carson
Sometimes I'm so sweet even I can't stand it.
- Julie Andrews
And every goose a swan, lad,
And every lass a queen;
Then hey, for boot and horse, lad,
And round the world away;
Young blood must have its course, lad,
And every dog his day.
- Charles Kingsley
We wanted Li Wing
But we winged Willie Wong,
A sad but excusable
Slip of the Tong.
- Keith Preston
I have a brain and a uterus, and I use both.
- Pat Schroeder
The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.
- Phyllis Diller
Getting married and getting old are the two things that save everybody's ass.
- Cher
Nothing risqué, nothing gained.
- Alexander Woolcott
She Got The Gold Mine, I Got The Shaft.
- Jerry Reed song title
I'm So Miserable Without You,
It's Almost Like Having You Here.
- Stephen Bishop song title
When My Love Comes Back From the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care?
- Lewis Grizzard song title
If you don't have a job without aggravations, you don't have a job.
- Malcolm Forbes
I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.
- George Burns
If I love you, what business is it of yours?
- Johann von Goethe
I was the best I ever had.
- Woody Allen
My brain is my second favorite organ.
- Woody Allen, again
The great charm of cats is their rampant egotism, their devil-may-care attitude toward responsibility, their disinclination to earn an honest dollar.
- Robertson Davies
In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's beloved.
- Russell Baker
May you have warmth in your igloo, oil in your lamp, and peace in your heart.
- Eskimo blessing
Man is not a circle with a single centre; he is an ellipse with two foci. Facts are one, Ideas are the other.
- Victor Hugo
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer.
and that is Strange.
- Gravestone epitaph
Once I wasn't
Then I was
Now I ain't again.
- A. C. Homan's epitaph
I used to see James Thurber at parties where he would play tricks with his glass eye. He had lost an eye as a child, and he had a collection of glass eyes. As the evening went on, he would change them, with each one becoming more bloodshot. At about 2 o'clock in the morning, he'd put one in and it would have a little American flag in it. It was a shocker. You'd look at him, and there's a little flag flying there in his eye.
- Al Hirschfeld
Fantasy love is much better than reality love. Never doing it is very exciting. The most exciting attrac-tions are between two opposites that never meet.
- Andy Warhol
The first girl you go to bed with is always pretty.
- Walter Matthau
There's got to be more than this. If not, I'm going back to the other stuff because petting was a lot of fun.
- Victoria Principal
It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
- Marilyn Monroe
There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then marriage, then children, and finally the fourth stage, without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer
I couldn't see tying myself down to a middle-aged woman with four children, even though the woman was my wife and the children were my own.
- Joseph Heller
I believe in sex and death - two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
- Woody Allen
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
- Joan Rivers
Let's just say I've gotten laughs in bed.
- Steve Martin
I never loved a man I liked, and never liked a man I loved.
- Fanny Brice
Sometimes I'm so sweet I can't stand it.
- Julie Andrews
I dress for women and undress for men.
- Angie Dickinson
A chaste woman who teases is worse than a streetwalker.
- James G. Huneker
Murder is a crime. Writing about it isn't. Sex is not a crime, but writing about it is. Why?
- Larry Flynt
Ever since I had that interview in which I said I was bisexual it seems twice as many people wave at me in the streets.
- Elton John
It's the plain women who know about love; the beautiful woman are too busy being fascinating.
- Katherine Hepburn
I could have made a fortune as a dominatrix.
- Camille Paglia
I never made any money until I took my pants off.
- Sally Rand
Don't get married to an actress, because they're also actresses in bed.
- Roberto Rossellini
I adore football players. Their passes are so forward.
- Mae West
Yes, that's correct - 20,000 different ladies. At my age that equals out to having sex with 1.2 women a day, every day since I was fifteen.
- Wilt Chamberlain
If I had as many love affairs as you have given me credit for, I would be speaking to you from a jar in the Harvard Medical School.
- Frank Sinatra
I've been on more laps than a napkin.
- Mae West
Gimme four steaks, a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, three kegs of beer, fifteen potatoes, eighteen whores, seven cigars, and a dish of chocolate ice cream.
- Babe Ruth ordering dinner
Sex - the poor man's polo.
- Clifford Odets
Sex: The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
- John Barrymore
Man has his way - but woman has her way.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
Most women set out to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
- Marlene Dietrich
I have come to the conclusion that a good set of bowels is worth more to a man than any amount of brains.
- Josh Billings
The penis confers with human intelli-gence and has intelligence itself . . . and takes its own course . . . without license of thought by man.
- Leonardo da Vinci
I have a brain and a uterus, and I use both.
- Pat Schroeder
The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.
- Phyllis Diller
Getting married and getting old are the two things that save everybody's ass.
- Cher
Nothing risqué, nothing gained.
- Alexander Woolcott
May you have warmth in your igloo, oil in your lamp, and peace in your heart.
- Eskimo blessing
After two days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
- W. C. Fields
Cough and the world stands with you. Fart and you stand alone.
- Trevor Griffiths
Always look out for number one and be careful not to step in number two.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
- Henry Kissinger
Matrimony - the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.
- Heinrich Heine
The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 am.
- Charles Pierce
I can't mate in captivity.
- Gloria Steinem
It wasn't exactly a divorce. I was traded.
- Tim Conway
Reinhart was never his mother's favorite - and he was an only child.
- Thomas Berger
There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
- Eugène Ionesco
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
- Arthur Miller
Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
- Richard Armour
Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands.
- Jayne Mansfield
I'm walking home from school and I'm watching some men build a new house. All of a sudden the guy hammering on the roof calls me a paranoid little weirdo. In Morse code.
- Emo Phillips
A man is as old as the woman he feels.
- Groucho Marx
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
- Lucille Ball
A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man. He asks her what's going on. She answers, "Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!"
- Henny Youngman
I think I'd be a good mother, Maybe a little over-protective. Like I would never let the kid out - of my body.
- Wendy Liebman
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
- Willem De Kooning
I'm living on a one-way, dead-end street. I don't know how I got here.
- Steven Wright
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven today and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneris
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought, "What the hell good would that do?"
- Ronnie Shakes
Let others praise the ancient times; I was glad I was born in these.
- Ovid (43 BC - 18 AD)
I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn't last long.
- Shelley Winters
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
- Jackie Mason
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
- Jeff Valdez
I told my girl friend that unless she expressed her feelings and told me what she liked I wouldn't be able to please her, so she said, "Get off me."
- Garry Shandling
Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
- Joan
Rivers
If you aren't going all the way, why go at all?
- Joe Namath
Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.
- Samuel Johnson
Second marriage: the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson
We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years.
- Nick Faldo
There is no remedy for love but to love more.
- Henry David Thoreau
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
- Errol Flynn
Half of analysis is anal.
- Marty Indik
I don't think anyone conceives of sex the way I do: surrealistic and rich with humor.
- Woody Allen
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
- Lily Tomlin
The closest I ever came to a ménage á trois was once I dated a schizophrenic.
- Rita Rudner
It's depressing when you're still around and your albums are out of print.
- Lou Reed
If the English language made any sense, a teetotaler would be someone who counts golf pegs.
- Senator Soaper
When I was born my mother looked at the afterbirth and screamed, "Twins!"
- Joan Rivers
How did Captain Hook die? He wiped with the wrong hand.
- Tommy Sledge
I'm the kind of guy who tells an angry albino to lighten up.
- Shang Forbes
How do you keep the sex fresh? Put it in Tupperware.
- Gary Shandling
Ménage-á-trois is a French term. It means Kodak moment.
- Greg Ray
I read a book that says if you want to keep sex hot, you tell the other person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?
- Elayne Boosler
I'm a nice girl. I hate it on the first date when I accidentally have sex.
- Emmy Gay
My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of woman.
- Woody Allen
The hearts of small children are delicate organs. A cruel beginning in this world can twist them into curious shapes. The heart of a child can shrink so that forever afterward it is hard and pitted as the seed of a peach. Or again, the heart of such a child may fester and swell until it is a misery to carry within their body, easily chafed and hurt by the most ordinary things.
- Carson McCullers
What is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.
- Ernest Hemingway
You marry the person who is available when you are most vulnerable.
- K. Berwick
The girl who is easy to get may be hard to take.
- F. Wisely
Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light?
- M. Freehill
Kitman's Law: Pure drivel tends to drive off the TV screen ordinary drivel.
- R. Kitman
I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.
- Jonathan Winters
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
- Lily Tomlin
I know you are, but what am I?
- PeeWee Herman
I like life. It's something to do.
- Ronnie Shakes
I was a poster child . . . for birth control!
- Rodney Dangerfield
Never play cards with a man named Doc.
- Nelson Algren
What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity.
- Joseph Addison
My mother is Welsh, my father is Hungarian - which makes me Wel-Hung.
- Billy Riback
Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies.
- Aristotle
Life begets life. Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich.
- Sarah Bernhardt
What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner.
- Colette
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
- Albert Einstein
A man said to his son, "Son, if you masturbate you'll go blind." The son replied, "I'm over here, Dad."
- Dick Capri
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
- Red Buttons
My parents have been married for fifty years. I asked my mother how they did it. She said, "You just close your eyes and pretend it's not happening."
- Rita Rudner
My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.
- Henny Youngman
The widow of a waiter goes to a seance, presses her hands to the table and calls out, "Sam, Sam, speak to me!" A haunting, whistling noise follows, and then a faint voice cries, "I can't - it's not my table!"
- B. Hampton's Hannah
I have a new book coming out. It's one of those self-help books; it's called How to Get Along With Everyone." I wrote it with this other asshole.
- Steve Martin
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
- Big Bob
I'm buzzed by the female mystique.
Jack Nicholson
I don't pretend to be an ordinary housewife.
- Elizabeth Taylor
I have one vice . . . it is not to be able to say no. Thank God for not making me a woman, but if he had, I suppose He would have made me just as ugly as He did, and no one would ever have tempted me.
_ Abraham Lincoln
I've never owned a vibrator.
- Madonna
Sometimes I'm so sweet even I can't stand it.
- Julie Andrews
It's a good thing I was born a female, or I'd have been a drag queen.
- Dolly Parton
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
- Phyllis Diller
I'm as pure as the driven slush.
- Tallulah Bankhead
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
- Katherine Hepburn
There aren't any hard women, just soft men.
- Raquel Welch
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbara Streisand
Man has his will - but woman has her way.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
Men and women, women and men. It will never work.
- Erica Jong
I don't see much of Alfred much anymore since he got so interested in sex.
- Mrs. Alfred Kinsey
Sex is like a small business; you gotta watch over it.
- Mae West
Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you.
- Mar Bly
As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.
- Ellen Perry Berkeley
You are my cat and I am your human.
- Hilaire Belloc
There are no ordinary cats.
- Colette
The great charm of cats is their rampant egotism, their devil-may-care attitude toward responsibility, their disincli- nation to earn an honest dollar.
- Robertson Davies
The cat does not offer services. The cat offers itself. Of course he wants care and shelter. You can't buy love for nothing. Like all pure creatures, cats are practical.
- William S. Burroughs
At dinner time he would sit in a corner, concentrating, and suddenly they would say, Time to feed the cat," as if it were their own idea.
- Lilian Jackson Braun
Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
- Susan Ertz
I hate women because they always know where things are.
- James Thurber
Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.
- Sophia Loren
Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
- Errol Flynn
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
- Bumper sticker
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
- Abraham Lincoln
Women will never get over the fact that women, unless they are extraordinarily nimble-footed, cannot write their names in the snow.
- Roy Blount, Jr.
By all means marry: if you get a good wife, you'll become happy: if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
Always marry a woman uglier than you.
- Song lyric
A man can wear a hat for years without being oppressed by its shabbiness.
- James Douglas
I happened to catch my reflection the other day when I was polishing my trophies, and, gee, it's easy to see why women are nuts about me.
- Tom Ryan
Only the little people pay taxes.
- Leona Helmsley
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
- Walt Disney
What I like about masterbation is that you don't have to talk afterwards.
- Milos Forman
I have a simple philosophy. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch what itches.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
- Bumper Sticker
There are three things every man thinks he can do - namely, drive a gig, edit a newspaper, and farm a small property.
- Sidney Smith
(1771 - 1845)
I like life. It's something to do.
- Ronnie Shakes
Macho does not prove mucho.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Never play cards with a man named Doc.
- Nelson Algren
Every kid I knew had a father with a little stash of men's magazines which the father thought was secret and which the kid knew all about.
- Bill Bryson
Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it is the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
- S. J. Perelman
What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity.
- Joseph Addison
Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.
- Cicero
Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies.
- Aristotle
Life begets life. Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich.
What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner.
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Yes, there is a Nirvana; it is leading your sheep to a greener pasture, and putting your child to sleep, and in writing the last line of your poem.
I met in the street a very poor man who was in love. His hat was old, his coat threadbare, the water passed through his shoes, and the stars through his soul.
Let others praise the ancient times; I was glad I was born in these.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
. . . sometimes I have believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
The one thing I regret is that I will never have time to read all the books I want to read.
The way to fight a woman is with your hat - grab it and run.
In my day hot pants were something we had, not wore.
Acting is not very hard. The most important things are being able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think about my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think about my sex life.
I've made an ass out of myself so many times I often wonder if I am one.
In private life, I'm just a shallow, calculating bitch looking for a rich Arab to take me away.
It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me.
Husbands are like fires &endash; they go out when unattended.
Living with a cat is like being married to a career woman who can take domesticity or let it alone, so you'd better be nice to her.
You are my cat and I am your human.
My mother didn't breast feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
How about cow dung at five paces.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Outside of
the killings, we have one of the lowest
crime rates in the country.
A Bay Area
bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with
either of his desires.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
I think of myself as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
I asked the clothing store clerk if she had anything to make me look thinner, and she said, "How about a week in Bangladesh?"
I don't like money, but it quiets my nerves.
The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.
My parents stayed together for forty years - out of spite.
Some are born to greatness, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust within them.
"I don't know, what's the record?" Answer to the question: "How horny can you get?
I've been in more laps than a napkin.
Love is what you've been through with somebody.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
I like life. It's something to do.
Physics lesson: When a body is submerged in water, the phone rings.
The shortest distance between two points is usually being repaired.
Losing my virginity was a career move.
We're all in this alone.
My
grandson, 22 years old, keeps complaining about headaches, I've told
him a thousand times, Larry, when you get
out of bed, it's feet first.
The trouble with people with no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
I don't write for art's sake. I write for money.
I don't like money actually, but it quiets my nerves.
I am as drunk as a lord, but then, I am one, so what does it matter?
I'm not so think as you drunk I am.
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
I never forget what I eat. I still remember what Marlon (Brando) served me on our first date: cold cauliflower salad and cheap bourbon.
I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it.
I hate music, especially when it's played.
All was well on the ark until Noah discovered a leak. "Go hold your nose over the hole," he told the dog. But the hold grew bigger, and Noah sent his wife to hold her hands over the hole, but still it grew. So Hoah sat on the hole. That's why a dog's nose is always cold. That's why a woman's hand are always cold. That's why a man always stands with his back to the fire.
A cat's
a cat
and that's that!
As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.
Even overweight cats instinctively know the cardinal rule: when fat, arrange yourself in slim poses.
You are my cat and I am your human.
Cats are absolute individuals, with their own ideas about everything, including the people they own.
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
The smallest feline is a masterpiece.
If you want to know the character of a man, find out what his cat thinks of him.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
A cat has absolute emotional honesty: human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not.
Every life should have nine cats.
Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you.
A dog is prose, a cat is a poem.
God made the cat in order that man might have the pleasure of caressing the tiger.
No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove its fur from your couch.
There is no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.
The cat is a dilettante in fur.
To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction - and a cat. The last ingredient is usually the hardest to come by.
There is something about the presence of a cat . . . that seems to take the bite out of being alone.
There are no ordinary cats.
Cat people are different, to the extent that they generally are not conformists. How could they be, with a cat running their lives?
Passion for place - there is no greater urge in feline nature.
More
I Can't Believe You Said That
My husband is so cheap he won't buy a newspaper. He walks along with the paperboy and asks him questions.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
There's
nothing to writing. All you have to do is sit
down at a typewriter and open a vein.
I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.
Liking a writer and then meeting the writer is like liking påté de fois gras and then meeting the goose.
Moral
principles enable us to indulge our natural
cruelty without remorse.
If God had meant for Texans to ski, he would have made bs white.
Telegram
from Venice to his editor:
Streets flooded. Please advise.
If the soup had been as hot as the Beaujolais, if the claret had been as old as the chicken, and if the chicken's breasts had been as full as the waitress's, it would have been a fine dinner.
Don't stay away from church because there are so many hypocrites. There's always room for one more.
There's no
money in poetry; but then there's
no poetry in money either.
By and
by
God caught his eye.
- David McCord
The things
my wife buys at auctions are
keeping me baroque.
A line is a dot that went for a walk
I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
As long as
people will accept crap, it will be financially
profitable to dispense it.
I'm too shy
to express my sexual needs except over the phone
to people I don't know.
I tried phone sex once. I got an ear infection.
Masterbation: Shaking hands with the unemployed.
We're all in this alone.
I remember learning to drive on my dad's lap. Did you guys ever do that? He'd work the brakes. I'd work the wheel. Then I went to take the driver's test and sat on the examiner's lap. I failed the exam. But he still writes to me. That's the really nice part.
Have you heard of this new book titled 1,001 Sex Secrets Men Should Know? It contains comments from 1,001 different women on how men can be better in bed. I think that women would actually settle for three: Slow down, turn off the TV, call out the right name.
I come from
a typical American family, you know, me, my mother, her third
husband, his daughter from a second marriage,
my step-sister, her illegitimate son.
I'm a little bit femme and a little bit butch.
- Lynda Montgomery
I do clean up a little. If company is coming, I wipe the lipstick off the milk container. Comb the soap.
On gays in the military: If we wanted to be part of an institution that is hostile to gays and women, we'd just stay home with our families.
My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.
Fear is
being stuck in traffic and you just had two
cups of coffee and a bran muffin.
The dentist told me I grind my teeth at night. Now before I go to sleep I fill my mouth with hot water and coffee beans and set my alarm for 7:30.
They just
caught the first female serial killer in Florida. Eight men.
But she didn't kill them. She gained access to their homes,
hid the remote controls, so they killed themselves.
I come from a small town where the population never changes. Each time a woman gets pregnant someone leaves town.
At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted to hear all my life. "My dad owns a liquor store."
My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.
I once
dated a guy who was so dumb he couldn't
count to 21 unless he was naked.
I feel if I'm lucky, I'll fall in love. If I'm unlucky, I'll fall and hit my head.
Other dogs
look at French poodles and wonder if they are
members of a weird religious cult.
I love animals. I love fur coats. I don't see the connection.
No one condemns infidelity with more eloquence than the faithless.
I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we are making love?" He said, "I don't want to wake you up."
It's very awkward being a single guy with all the diseases around. You know it's to the point where I won't go to bed with a woman unless she says, "All right, I'll go to bed with you."
I find the three major administrative problems on a campus are sex for the students, athletics for the alumni, and parking for the faculty.
Song Title: "I gave her a ring, and she gave me the finger." - Unknown
The New
York Times Book Review is alive with
the sound of axes grinding.
If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.
All women
become like their mothers. That is their tragedy:
No man does. That is his.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress - but I repeat myself.
I am a
marvelous housekeeper. Every time
I divorce a man, I keep his house.
Now that
I'm over sixty I'm veering
toward respectability.
I have one last request. Don't use embalming fluid on me. I want to be stuffed with crabmeat.
I'm on a valium diet. I take three for breakfast, and the rest of the day the food keeps falling out of my mouth.
Giving
birth is like pushing a flaming log
through your nostril.
If you hate solitude, avoid marriage.
Nobody
loves me like my mother, and she
could be jivin' too.
You can say
it with flowers,
You can say it with wine,
But to
make her really sentimental,
Say it with a Lincoln Continental.
Roger Byrne should be gagged and thrown in jail.
I don't
think of myself as single.
I'm romantically challenged.
It's a
dog-eat-dog world, and I'm
wearing Milk Bone shorts.
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
Physics
lesson: When you're on
the john, the phone rings.
Many men
die at twenty-five and aren't buried
until they're seventy-five.
I enjoy dating married men because they don't want anything kinky, like breakfast.
Sex is a powerful aphrodisiac.
My wife gives good headache.
In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.
If you have
any problems at all,
don't hesitate to shut up.
When I can
no longer bear to think about the victims of broken homes, I begin to
think of the
victims of intact ones.
I'm not confused, I'm just well-mixed.
If you
don't go to other people's funerals,
they won't go to yours.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Bach in an hour. Offenbach sooner.
The poet is
one who is able to keep the fresh vision of the
child alive within the mature person.
When a dog runs at you, whistle for him.
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
If you want
to see how you look asleep, stand in front
of a mirror with your eyes shut.
Won't you come into the garden? I ould like my roses to see you.
Everyone is indispensable.
Picasso insisted that everything was miraculous - it was miraculous, he said, that one did not melt in one's bath.
What if your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?
I want to
have children and I know my time is running out.
I want to have them while my parents are still
young enough to take care of them.
A man was arrested and when the police searched him they found he had a half-foot cobra in his pants. Apparently the guy was pretty well-endowed because when they asked him what the snake was doing in his pants, he replied, "Dating."
Mountains appear more lofty the nearer they are approached, but great men resemble them not in this particular.
God made men stronger but not necessarily more intelligent. He gave women intuition and femininity. And used properly, that combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met.
My career started ass-backward.
I've always thought that a person's intelligence is directly reflected by the number of conflicting points of view he can entertain simultaneously on the same topic.
I know a lot of people didn't expect our relationship to last - but we've just celebrated our two months anniversary.
Don't marry
a man to reform him - that's
what reform schools are for.
If only God would give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Happiness is the quiet lull between problems.
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
About her mom, the psychoanalyst: It's weird that I have a parent who's a shrink. It's hard to think of my mom solving other people's problems when she's the root of all mine.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Every woman must learn to fake orgasm. It's common courtesy.
I once made love for an hour and five minutes. It was on the day you push the clocks ahead.
I was on
stage last night talking. I said, "You know the
diaphragm is a pain in the ass." Someone yelled out,
"You are putting it in the wrong place."
One more of these and I'll spill the beans about everybody here.
My mother
is Welsh, my father is Hungarian
- which makes me Wel-hung.
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and finally gave up. I asked her, "What, you can't think of anybody either?"
After 12 years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes: "No hablo ingles."
The man who is always worrying whether or not his soul would be damned generally has a soul that isn't worth a damn.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
I'll take heaven for climate and hell for sociability.
The natural man has only two primal passions, to get and to beget.
Life is short, art long, opportunity fugitive, experimenting dangerous, reasoning difficult . . . To do nothing is sometimes a good remedy.
I must admit that I personally measure success in terms of the contributions an individual makes to her or his fellow human beings.
He who learns to remold the heart's desire, and not the mind's intent alone, will hold in his hands the key to our salvation.
Constancy and conservatism are qualities of the lifeless, not the living.
I listen from within.
I cannot afford to waste my time making money.
Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
Millions who long for immortality don't know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.
Only the dreamer can change the dream.
What we need is more people who specialize in the impossible.
As soon as you have made a thought, laugh at it.
"If no man is an island," cried Morris Irving Hyman, "I'm the narrowest peninsula in the world."
Help! I'm being held prisoner by my heredity and environment!
The fuchsia is the world's most carefully spelled flower.
I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.
During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.
The little I know, I owe to my ignorance.
I know of a physicist at the University of Chicago who was rather crazy like some scientists, and the idea of molecular structure and the instability of the physical world, impressed him so much that he used to go around in enormous padded slippers for fear he should fall through the floor.
Be happy. It's one way of being wise.
The atoms and molecules within you dream they are people.
A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you the less you know.
The poet is one who is able to keep the fresh vision of the child alive within the mature person.
When a dog runs at you, whistle for him.
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
If you want to see how you look asleep, stand in front of a mirror with your eyes shut.
Won't you come into the garden? I would like my roses to see you.
Everyone is indispensable.
Picasso insisted that everything was miraculous - it was miraculous he said, that one did not melt in one's bath.
What if your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?
I want to have children and I know my time is running out. I want to have them while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
A man was arrested and when the police searched him they found he had a half-foot cobra in his pants. Apparently the guy was pretty well-endowed because when they asked him what the snake was doing in his pants, he replied, "Dating."
If you can make a woman warble the theme to the movie 2001, you are doing your job.
Only the dreamer can change the dream.
If Jesus was Jewish, how come he has a Mexican name?
Churches welcome all denominations, but most prefer fives and tens.
Always look out for Number One and be careful not to step in Number Two.
Toys are made in heaven, batteries are made in hell.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
My karma ran over your dogma.
Never spit in a man's face unless his mustache is on fire.
In a little over a hundred years? All new people.
Death is not the end; there remains the litigation.
I'm the kind of guy who tells an angry albino to lighten up.
Survival Advice: Never buy a pit bull from a man with a missing leg . . . Never play poker with a man named Doc . . . Never eat at a restaurant called Mom's . . . Always drink downstream from the herd . . . Never hire an electrician with a scorched mustache . . . Never marry somebody with more problems than you have . . . Never sign anything by neon light.
My name is Might-have-been; I am also called No-more, Too-late, Farewell.
I practice safe sex. I use an airbag. It's a little startling at first when it flies out. Then the woman realizes it's safer than being thrown clear.
How is this for a movie scenario? Say that Lorena cuts it off. She then drives to one of those toxic waste dumps and throws it in. It starts to grow way beyond its original size, it grows to about 50 feet and leaves the dump. The Air Force, in response, starts to track its movements. Helicopters are circling overhead. A radio operator asks, "Where's it headed, Bob?" Excitedly, Bob responds, "It looks like it's going in and out of the Holland Tunnel."
I got sexually desperate so I called one of those live sex numbers. I got a girl that stuttered. It cost me fifteen hundred bucks.
Deep down, I'm pretty superficial.
First I lost my weight, then I lost my voice, and now I lost Onassis.
I was very sheltered growing up. I knew nothing about sex. My mother said; "Sex is a dirty, disgusting thing you save for somebody you love."
What do people mean when they say, "The computer went down on me?"
Regarding her
ex-husband Tom Arnold: In lovemaking, what he lacked
in size, he made up for in speed.
In real life, women are always trying to mix something up with sex - religion, or babies, or hard cash; it's only men who long for sex without rings or strings.
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes. I had one thousand and sixty.
Ducking for apples - change one letter and you have the story of my life.
Everything is relevant. I call it loving.
Help! I'm being held prisoner by my heredity and environment!
The fuchsia is the world's most carefully spelled flower.
I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.
During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.
God is in my mind and the devil's in my pants.
A rabbi was very discouraged because half his congregation had become Quakers. Or as he put it, "Some of my best Jews are Friends."
I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5,000 at a reincarnation seminar. I got to thinking, what the heck, you only live once.
A church is a place in which (ladies and) gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.
I was recently born again. I must admit it's a glorious and wonderful experience, but I can't say my mother enjoyed it a whole lot.
Old mediums don't die - they just give up the ghost and lose their spirits.
They say
that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him
as somewhat of a recluse.
I was raised Catholic and received the body and blood of Christ every Sunday at Communion until the age of thirty, when I became a vegetarian.
You're born. You suffer. You die. Fortunately, there's a loophole.
Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a jerk.
Lord, give me patience . . . and hurry!
Reality is something you rise above.
Reality is
that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. - Philip
K. Dick
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's over much too soon.
Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
As long as there is algebra there will be prayer in school.
God created man, but I could do better.
My motto is the same as my blood type: B Positive.
You might be a redneck if you think God looks like Hank Williams, Jr.
When it comes to money, everybody is of the same religion.
Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.
Never spit in a man's face unless his mustache is on fire.
In a little over a hundred years? All new people.
Back in a minute . . .
featuring the Battle of the
Sexes
from the Nov/Dec, 1997 issue
Man and woman are two locked caskets, of which each contains the key to the other.
The main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and women are idiots.
When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking.
A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can.
A woman need to know but one man well, in order to understand all men; whereas a man may know all women and understand not one of them.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.
When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn't she behave like a nice man?.
Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible.
I'm saving the bass player for Omaha.
Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two major categories: (1) Not enough. (2) Too much.
I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic. The others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body..
The only reason I took up jogging was so I could hear heavy breathing again.
I am happy now that Charles calls on my bed chamber less frequently than of old. As it is I now endure but two calls a week and when I hear his steps outside my door I lie down on my bed, close my eyes, open my legs and think of England.
I never married because there was no need. I have 3 pets which answer the same needs as a husband. I have a dog which growls in the morning, a parrot which swear all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.
Macho does not prove mucho.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle..
All the men on my staff can type.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
I know a lot of people didn't expect our relationship to last - but we've just celebrated our two month anniversary.
I like a man who takes his time.
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